http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2006/may/23/germany.features11

It all comes down to language. And context.

I have been living here for almost eight years, find all sorts of things very funny, consider myself as someone with a dry humour and I am very fond of British comedians. The ones I enjoy are all very different from each other, among them: Bill Bailey, Stewart Lee, Russell Brand, Jo Brand and the Australian Tim Minchin. And not all of them really tell jokes in the traditional sense. Certainly not Lee. They also try to avoid perpetuating stereotypes and dissing other nationalities and don’t rely on cheap shots at Germans. I regard Bill Bailey’s Kraftwerk piss-take as a nice homage to the band.

In Germany we have different types of humour like the Brits, but the sophisticated political cabaret dominates more over here and has a long tradition. I grew up listening to old records by the Duesseldorfer Kommoedchen and people like Dieter Hildebrandt (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dieter_Hildebrandt). Harald Schmidt (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harald_Schmidt) is a big name and in Germany and had his own late night show for years. He is funnier than say Jon Stewart, Jay Leno and the likes. The Misfits are a funny female duo that used to make me laugh out loud and I enjoy Dieter Nuhr’s satire (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dieter_Nuhr). Loriot (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vicco_von_B%C3%BClow) is still very popular (and sadly his wonderful partner Evelyn Hamann died a few years ago). His sketches are timeless classics. I also like Kaya Yanar (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kaya_Yanar  and http://www.kaya-yanar.de/html/deutsch/home/home.php ) who is more like your typical comedian. He takes the piss out of everyone no matter what nationality.

You can find also silly humour and “below-the-belt” humour in Germany. Especially at this time of year in the run-up to Carnival. Cologne is the bastion of Carnival and for five days in February you can either dress up and get pissed and maybe shag some strangers (if you really have to) and get into the spirit of things – or you hide in your flat and wait it out. Or if you’re lucky you go on a holiday until “Aschermittwoch” – Ash Wednesday” when the show is over and people are back at work with a massive hangover. At this time of year German Television consist of a variety of shows which are called “Prunksitzungen” and are extremely unfunny. “Faekalhumor” or dirty jokes dominate these shows. Carnival is a time of year when I certainly don’t miss Cologne. I never enjoyed Carnival as I prefer to determine myself when I want to have fun. Organised fun – like organised religion – is not for me.

I prefer dry, ironic humour with a bit of sarcasm thrown in. But I do find Harry Hill’s TV Burp hilarious.

We adopted our moggie from CP in Cardiff and if it was up to me I would adopt another one – but Bobby might not be too happy about that. I will give it a few more years when she is older and then definitely adopt another cat. I can’t honestly imagine my life without cats, they make the best pets.

So if you consider buying a cat – check out CP’s adoption centres first or ask your local branch (which may not have an adoption centre) if they have cats in care. Ours was cared for by lovely foster carers, who became friends of mine, and not from an adoption centre as Cardiff hasn’t got one. 

 Here is a link to CP: http://www.cats.org.uk/

..when you can’t fulfil them.

Snow in our back garden

Bobby thinking about going out

..and she's off.

Last year my resolutions included learning how to drive, lose weight and read more books and get a book out. So what happened?

Well I had 11 driving lessons, am still shit scared of driving , don’t enjoy it and I simply ran out of money for more lessons. The urgent need to become a confident driver (I have a licence which is valid in the UK) is simply not there.

Losing weight – well I didn’t make much of an effort, mainly because I hate dieting and because dieting makes you fatter and in my case sick. Besides it’s bloody hard to lose weight, when skinny hubby can eat what he likes and his mum buys lots of sweets and cakes almost every weekend. We still have chocolates and cakes from Christmas.

Reading more books – ideally 1-2 books a week. I started out well, but couldn’t quite keep it up, simply because some books are weightier than others, some are easier to read and because sometimes work got in the way. But I still think I achieved something here as I managed to get through about 20 books – some fiction, a lot of them non-fiction, some in German, most in English. I also started 4 books on writing and dip into them when I feel like it.

Oh and I managed to finish two fiction writing courses.

Getting a book out – well  I made a huge effort here, researched the book idea, wrote a sample chapter, table of content, cover letter etc and contacted two publishers. Both read it and rejected it on the understandable grounds that they have a similar book out for a slightly wider audience (my book idea was aimed at parents). I am not sure if I want to still pursue this, because parents get all the info free on the internet anyway and the subject matter is too close to me.

So instead I decided to write a novel. I am now on my fourth chapter.

This year I  aim to achieve the following:

Write my novel

Lose weight by eating less junk and exercise more

Watch less crap on TV

Learn to play guitar

Get more work

Continue reading loads of books

Go on a nice holiday

Learn how to make my own beads

Swear less

Get my jewellery business off the ground

Join a charity and volunteer

De-clutter the house

Some of this I have already implemented:

I joined the Prince’s Trust as a volunteer business mentor and next month I will go on two training days to learn what’s involved.

I also ordered lots of polymer clay and a pasta machine to get started with my beads and on the 22^nd this month I will have my first jewellery stall at a local Hafla (www.bellydancewales.com). So expect some photos of my jewellery on this blog.

Some of my resolutions don’t depend on me alone – so it will be interesting to see how far I will get this year.

I  will let you know on this blog how I get on with things.

It would be interesting to know from you what kind of resolutions you have made a year ago and which you have fulfilled? What are your resolutions for this year?

Dusty's paw marks in the snow

 

Dusty on small Balcony

Dusty looks into the camera

In and out

And she’s very different from Bobby – Dusty is an excellent hunter. She brings in mice, much to my dad’s delight who often just shuts both mouse and Dusty into the bathroom to get on with it. My sister usually tries to rescue the poor things. She recently told us that Dusty once brought home a bat – no birds though, which is a relief. It seems that Dusty has the most of the back gardens to herself – they stretch over several houses and there used to be a lot of cats. Thankfully most of them moved including those awful yappy dogs. Dusty’s claws are incredibly sharp and never get clipped, which Paul noticed the hard way when he attempted to play rough with her. Bobby regularly gets a “pawicure”, which works like this: dangle a treat or prawn over her head, while she sits flipped over on her back on Paul’s lap. He trims them. Mainly because she panics, when she gets stuck on the carpet, the sofa (which she ruined) and on our jumpers. Dusty however needs her claws, so she can access the gardens and climb trees. And boy can she climb- I’ve never seen her doing that before – but it’s really amazing how fast she is. She is a lightweight – what you see is just a lot of fluffy and very silky long fur, which moves up and down when she runs.

Dusty is not as cuddly as Bobs, but good natured. She tolerates being picked up and during  the first few nights she came to the bed for a cuddle which was nice.

When we arrived it was very cold, Cologne was covered in a thick layer of snow and it was -15.

Snow in Klettenberg

View from my parents' kitchen

Our Turkish taxi driver Hakan said they had over 70 accidents. He also told us about his kitten and how he regretted that he never paid his old cat much attention when he was alive. Hakan really regretted it, because he now realises how much fun his new kitten is and how much he cares. When I told him that I write for a cat magazine he revealed that he is writing a book about his experience as a taxi driver in Cologne. And this is his website: http://taxic25mkoko.de/index.html

The first three days I spent freezing my butt off. Mainly because I am not used to really cold temperatures anymore (Cardiff has crap weather, but it’s never that cold) and I didn’t bring any tights, proper shoes or lots of jumpers. The first night I didn’t sleep at all because the old duvet was devoid of much filling! My dad gave me his fancy duvet he never uses because it is too warm for him – but it was warm enough for me. Driving from Cardiff to Stansted to fly  with German Wings was exhausting, so we spent the first day resting and the next few days my lower back was in a right state. I spoilt myself with a super Thai massage (one hour) and my lovely masseuse warned me that I will wake up with sour muscles the next day and advised to take a pain killer. She was quite shocked by the state of my back – well I rarely have a massage over here as it is expensive and I wonder if I could find someone as good as this lady. If you ever happen to visit Cologne and want a proper massage this is their website:

http://thaimassagekoeln.de/

On Monday we went to Cologne’s biggest  and cheapest CD and electronic store “Saturn”  to buy CDs for my sister and myself and a headset for my dad so he can use Skype and save money on both our phone bills. I am not sure if he has spoken to my aunt in New Zealand yet, but we talked to her and were impressed by Skype’s clear reception. The only difference is that there is a slight delay, but you get used to it.

We visited my aunt who still lives in the same place in Ehrenfeld, where I also used to live. She lives with my younger cousin Bouba, who is 1 year younger than my sister, and their two cats: Kitty, who originally belonged to my cousin Markus, but as he moved around a lot he gave her first to his brother Manuel, and eventually the poor thing ended up at my aunt’s. Kitty is ancient – 18 years – neurotic, scaredy and hates Tapsy, the younger tom, with a passion. They just don’t get on, which is a shame, but unfortunately this happens often in multi-cat households. Tapsi is friendly and cuddly and my aunt adores him. He spent most of the afternoon curled up in the living room, while we didn’t see much of Kitty, whose tail is never straight up, always lowered down.

It was nice to see my aunt, my cousins Markus and Bouba and Markus’ lovely girlfriend Fen, who is an actress and very pretty. Think Natalie Portman, but way prettier. I really like her because you can have good conversation and we share some interests and like the same actors. When I was younger I thought of becoming an actress and had lessons for half a year at  a private acting school, but thought it was dreadful, because we never really worked on roles – all just improvisation and body work. 

When we were about to leave, Kitty appeared and got really friendly and curious, sniffing our bags! Talking about the wrong timing!

Tuesday we went shopping for presents in town and Paul had a field day in Cologne’s biggest outdoor shop: http://www.globetrotter.de/

It’s situated in the Olivandenhof, which used to have several smaller shops- now it’s just this massive outdoor shop. It’s got a cold chamber, a wet chamber and a small pool with kayaks in it to test. While he was busy looking at all the gear, I disappeared into the neighbouring Karstadt (similar to Debenhams over here) and bought tights and velvet to use to display my jewellery. One of the things I wanted to get was Fimo Polymer Clay, because I want to learn how to make my own beads- but to my surprise the three shops I could have bought it in were all gone – Malkasten – gone, Wolkenaer (where I used to buy my paints) – gone. Feldhaus – Cologne’s biggest and oldest toyshop – gone. I was really upset about that. What’s happening to my hometown?

In the end I found two different shops where I bought a few Fimo items and ordered the rest from the net.

However we found a Lego shop, which was fantastic, and bought Lego for my 4-year old cousin Bela. The shop assistant was a proper Lego-nerd. When we told him about Paul’s ancient Lego and that he even still has all the brochures with the descriptions, he was impressed and a little jealous. We briefly went to the Christmas market next to the Dom, where Paul enjoyed a proper curry wurst.

Cologne Cathedral with Christmas market

I ate so much junk food that day including some sort of  marshmallow type waffle, a sausage and almonds that I felt a bit sick  in the evening . Due to the cold and overdoing things a bit I had a mig attack when we got home. The same evening friends came over for dinner, so I had to get my act together. Thankfully the meds worked quickly this time, because I took them fairly early on.

Wednesday we bought a proper Christmas tree from one of the pubs close to my parents’. When we tried to decorate it the next day we discovered the lights weren’t working properly, but unfortunately it was too late to buy new ones. So Paul tried to fix it with more tape or something. In the olden days – well when I was little –we always had candles –even when Freddy was still alive. Nothing ever happened – and to me the real deal is a real tree with candles – it just looks and smells better and more Christmassy.

Thursday (24^th) we celebrated Christmas the German way, which means – working in the morning in the kitchen and tidying the place until late afternoon when we had coffee and “Plaetzchen” – cookies. My sister baked this year and we also bought Lebkuchen (gingerbread) and Spekulatius with almonds, and marzipan. My dad likes his Panetone, so he got that too. And some other evil sweet stuff. After that we had to sing – my sister insisted and played the piano. Poor Paul didn’t understand and know the lyrics on the sheet. It’s quite weird singing religious Christmas songs in a mainly atheist household!

After the singing it was time to unwrap the gifts. My dad gave me money – not romantic but useful and a silver spoon made into a pendant -very clever design. My sister got me a CD by Germany’s funniest and versatile band Die Aerzte (http://www.bademeister.com/  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Die_%C3%84rzte ) I haven’t’ listened to it yet but the CD case looks funny: it is made of blue plush and is very soft!)

I already had my main present before Christmas which was a professional photo tent, but Paul surprised me with one book which I look forward to reading – Charlie Brooker’s “The Hell Of It All” which is essentially a collection of his Guardian columns from the last 2 years. Some of them are of course familiar, but it’s great to re-read them. Nobody can have good old rant better than him and it’s great fun. One of my favourite presents is a DVD by the world’s most adorable and talented comedians – Tim Minchin. Though I watched it already on Channel 4 it’s great to watch it again. A lot of it is available on You Tube. And here are some of my favourite Minchin songs for you to check out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIm8WgwkTeI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6raVzrbqrM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3UO6YlkYNJQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBUc_kATGgg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-OrfALplXA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrmOTkcfZgA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GCyMtNl8T8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLLYO8Hd_sE

For dinner we had turkey – my dad loves cooking, and he loves his cooking gadgets – he has a fine collection of frying pans and kitchen knives – to which we added another one as a present. All was lovely and we ended up going to bed fairly early, because my dad was quite tired –plus we promised my gran to visit her the next day.

Friday we went to a place called Goch to see my grandmother. My uncle and his girlfriend were there; their son is having a whale of a time in OZ and is enjoying a summery Christmas over there. My other aunt Bettina was there with my cousin Bela and true to her word – she brought her two kittens Findus, a very cuddly black and white tom who doesn’t look like a Findus (who is a tabby cat out of a children’s book) and Pepa, who is a gorgeous petite Tabby with a crippled tail. While Findus enjoyed the fuss and attention and explored my gran’s home, Pepa stayed mainly in one of the rooms upstairs as she is a bit shy. Both cats were rescued from Ibiza, if I remember correctly. and though not related get on very well and Findus seems protective of his smaller female friend (who looks more like a Findus). Bela chose her initially and didn’t mind the tail at all, and because Findus got on well with her, they took both. They are a delight and I am so happy for my aunt that she finally can enjoy living with feline company.

Findus (left) and Pepa (right)

Pepa

Me and Bettina's cats

Unfortunately we couldn’t stay that long in Goch and I felt a bit sorry for my gran, as I think she couldn’t always follow conversations and there were just too many people. My uncle converted her downstairs area into her main living area, so now she has her bedroom there and an extra bathroom with a walk-in-shower. It looks really good.  

Saturday we went to the cemetery and my dad showed us a grave of someone whose relatives chosen the same design as my mum’s gravestone. It’s actually very beautiful – her gravestone- as it tries to emulate one of her favourite earrings. He said he was first not sure about his discovery, but then he was chuffed that someone obviously has seen his design!

The journey back to Cardiff was long and we gladly arrived to an incredibly clean and tidy house with a very happy cat and  Paul’s parents were still there waiting for us.

His mum bought me my favourite Christmas present – I live in it most of the time and our postie is already familiar with the sight of it: it’s a white, snugly M&S dressing gown. Lovely and warm.

Hope you all had a great Christmas – we definitely had a catty one.

http://www.roll-tech.de/produktinfo.php

The section “Komfortdreiraeder” shows the different types of tricycles they build – with or without motor and either pedalled by using your legs or hands.

My grandmother is now the talk of the town and every time she is out and about she gets to talk to strangers. She isn’t that fast on the tricycle, but safe and she can do her own shopping. Maybe I should add that she is 87.

The music to loud and base heavy, I didn’t know any of the songs and couldn’t dance much to it, but it was interesting simply watch the young crowd dancing. I felt really old! The new dance craze appeared to be “air boxing” – it certainly gave them toned arms! Just before midnight we left and her boyfriend said it was a shame because apparently the music would have changed into older “new wave” stuff and songs I actually would have known. Never mind. The whole evening I was actually fancying any Michael Jackson song I could dance to, which is weird as I am not a fan. I am one of the few people on this planet who don’t own any of his records. Funnily enough my maiden name changed into Jackson last year through my adoption!

When we finally made our way up the stairs, it was crowded by clubbers smoking away. I was just glad when I was out and able to breathe in fresh air. Unfortunately for us on that Saturday Cologne had a massive firework spectacle on at the river, which is an annual event called “Koelner Lichter” and the city centre was overcrowded with visitors. We could hardly get off the train and make our way through the station to the underground. All trains were full and we eventually walked home which took an hour.

Our cat has changed her sleeping patterns again and I think the cool and wet weather is responsible. She wakes up between 5 and 6 which is so much better than 4!

My last rejection came from a book publisher – however it was a nice one I have to add. Nevertheless it does hurt a little as I put a lot of effort into my book proposal and went the extra mile by actually backing up the facts – something a lot of health books don’t seem to do. I’ve seen books published with no references at all.

So now I have to get over it and find a different publisher or maybe consider just forgetting about it as the subject is very niche.